1 Timothy 1; The Goal of the Law

1 Timothy 1:5-10
"4Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies, which minister questions, rather than godly edifying which is in faith: so do. 5 Now the end of the commandment is charity out of a pure heart, and of a good conscience, and of faith unfeigned: 6 From which some having swerved have turned aside unto vain jangling; 7 Desiring to be teachers of the law; understanding neither what they say, nor whereof they affirm. 8 But we know that the law is good, if a man use it lawfully; 9 Knowing this, that the law is not made for a righteous man, but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and for sinners, for unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, 10 For whoremongers, for them that defile themselves with mankind, for menstealers, for liars, for perjured persons, and if there be any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine;"

"How does one lawfully use the law?" is the question that naturally arises from this information. From this selection, there are several things I think we can gather, the first thing I see is this:

1. The end goal of our use of the law should be charity out of a pure heart, and of a good conscience, and of faith unfeigned. Here, I see a uniting of the Old and New Testaments again, where the physical of the Old is working towards thoughts, intents and motivations in the New. I wonder, though, why did Paul stretch this out into three different qualities instead of just one? I think the Bible defines these three that he mentions: heart, conscience and faith (I'm underlining the part of the verse I think is defining) and that by digging deeper I can understand this verse better:
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Pure heart: 
Psalm 24:4 He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully.
Merriam Webster:
Pure: free from what vitiates, weakens, or pollutes (2) : containing nothing that does not properly belong.
Heart: "the central or innermost part"
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Good conscience:
Hebrews 13:18 Pray for us: for we trust we have a good conscience, in all things willing to live honestly.
Merriam Webster:
Conscience: "the sense or consciousness of the moral goodness or blameworthiness of one's own conduct, intentions, or character together with a feeling of obligation to do right or be good"
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Sincere faith: (faith unfeigned) This seems to always be combined with "pure heart." Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Merriam Webster
sincere: "whole, pure, genuine," and
faith: "firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust"
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So I would read it like this: We are to show love to others that is clean, undirtied all the way to our innermost being, (pure heart) with the active desire to do right, (good conscience) and this love should genuinely believe in God's plan (sincere faith) for them.

In my opinion, a pure heart addresses how we approach others to love them. Good conscience seems to address what keeps us balanced and continuing to extend this pure love (and not eventually warping it) and sincere faith addresses our attitude towards their future and belief in God's ultimate good plan for them.

May I learn to approach others with  a pure heart, good conscience and sincere faith.

2. We should not desire to know the law out of pride, to get respect as a "teacher of the law," but instead, to draw closer to God for ourselves... pride turns into "vain jangling, ministering questions" and not "godly edifying in faith." With that basis, I see this statement addressing the motivations, showing how the pride and control behind the desire to teach forfeits what is taught because it is done in the wrong spirit, one that goes against the whole spirit of the law: "Desiring to be teachers of the law; understanding neither what they say, nor whereof they affirm." One can't teach the writings that point us away from ourselves and to the betterment of others while at the same time trying to lift up oneself with the very act of teaching.

3. Righteousness and sound doctrine do not need the law, but only because they already follow it, as far as I can understand. I see this part as saying on should use the law to address what is sin, not to, as Jesus accused the Pharisees, burden men with loads they themselves would not carry.

The balance between knowledge and love.

Lately I have been pondering Philippians 1:9:

 "And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment;".

It's difficult for me to think of love within the context of knowledge and judgement, (which to me means understanding and discernment...) but it makes such balanced sense.  It's very easy to separate the intellect from the heart and create robotic, logic-only-based creatures who ignore intuition and "the weightier matters of the law" like love. 1 Corinthians 8:1-3 warns of the knowledge that "puffs people up" and continues to exhort us to be humble.

 "... Knowledge puffeth up, but charity edifieth.² And if any man think that he knoweth any thing, he knoweth nothing yet as he ought to know.³ But if any man love God, the same is known of him."

Conversely, the other extreme of trusting only in feelings and what we perceive is love without the balance of knowledge and judgment leads to people doing wrong things for what they think are right reasons, "casting their pearls before swine" so to speak.

Blair Adams in the book Building Christian Character writes of this balance: "... each part of our being must fulfill its highest potential of oneness in  proper God-ordained relationships with everything around us given to us by God; for we know that nature abhors a vacuum, and whatever in our lives remains unfulfilled through these divine and living patterns of oneness, then the flesh, the world or the devil will move to fill (Luke 11:23-26). If we do not find the meaning for our minds or emotions in the purpose of God, we will look for it in the world and its zeitgeist. So we cannot really hope to guard ourselves in the negative sense without also fulfilling ourselves in the positive sense." (Bold emphasis mine.)

God is balanced. He encourages moderation in all things; this one is a refreshing place for me to strive for improvement. I fear there are not enough good examples of "love abounding in knowledge and judgement."

Reconciled

This morning I was reading Colossians and I came to this passage and just had to stop and think a while: Colossians 1:21-25

^"21 And you, that were sometime alienated and enemies in your mind by wicked works, yet now hath he reconciled ²² In the body of his flesh through death, to present you holy and unblameable and unreproveable in his sight:²³ If ye continue in the faith grounded and settled, and be not moved away from the hope of the gospel, which ye have heard, and which was preached to every creature which is under heaven; whereof I Paul am made a minister;"

I felt like this described how I felt in Guatemala. Isn't it a bit disconcerting, but perhaps necessary, that one can grow up learning about and be full of the "knowledge" of God but not really have the heart motivation or love of Him? I see this sort of the difference between training and discipline in some ways, if you are only raised with discipline and no training, you learn to fear the stimulus that is used to control you, but not really understand the motivation behind it... even if the people using it do it out of love and wanting to protect you. Whatever we don't learn keeps cycling back to us, including serving God from the heart out. God challenges our motivations and shakes our foundations until we find where we need to settle for ourselves what we accepted as true from another. In Guatemala those words say exactly how I felt towards God: alienated and an enemy in my mind. It was a peak in cynicism, which I feel is another way to say "enemy in my mind" and because of so many cultural reasons within the church there, one of the most isolated or "alienated" times.

I'm so thankful for the grace that made this next part applicable: "yet now hath he reconciled ²² In the body of his flesh through death, to present you holy and unblameable and unreproveable in his sight." I'm not holy. I'm blameable. He went through death to change that when I didn't and could never deserve it. When I die to self and live to Him, He makes me holy, unblameable, unreproveable: on my own impossible!

The last part sounds as a reminder, a warning of what to hold close: "...continue in the faith grounded and settled, and be not moved away from the hope of the gospel, which ye have heard, and which was preached to every creature which is under heaven." I find it interesting that it's the HOPE of the gospel... the very part I was so cynical about. Hope seems to be one of the first casualties of cynicism. I also appreciate the paradoxical image of faith, a purported flighty thing in society, being grounded and settled. I have been bombarded lately with the fact that God is balanced. He requires faith, something not based on logic and empirical proof, to be grounded and settled. Everything working together to bring us to a pinpointed, God-forseen, balanced place of righteousness. 

I once was lost, but now I'm found... in Him.

Memorials and Monuments

Rulers throughout history
have built proud monuments
trying to avoid being forgotten
in this physical world.

You have chosen to
build a memorial of prayers
before God; who stores every tear:
eternal.

Some plant seeds
hoping to inspire care
for the future generations
of this abused Earth.

You plant seeds of Truth
hoping to inspire future generations
to care for their easily-broken
eternal perspective.

Some hoard treasures
leaving behind fortunes
that in the end
have finite impact and benefit

You invest in souls,
storing up incorruptible
treasures in heaven;
Permanent. Infinite.

Physical and spiritual dance
together in this life.
But only one will dance forever.
You have chosen to impact forever.

Gaze

Some things 
force one's gaze down
to see even more of ourselves.
Surely that is easier than
seeing the rejection, fear and sadness
in a fellow human's eyes.

Some things
force one's gaze out
Defiance as a fist:
as if the eye could push away;
Grace as a handshake:
accepting that we can't afford,
but offering anyway.

Some things
force one's gaze up:
Worship, need, dependance, questioning:
conversations and mud fights
with God.

Sight begins inside,
accelerating from the x axis in avoidance
perpendicular to the y axis in defiance, acceptance.
You can trace the gaze back to the heart.

The fulcrum of our circumstances
with the counterweight of self, or selflessness,
determines the degree of our gaze.

Steep

Your Word, to me
like a cup of tea

the more I meditate,
and let it steep:

the more potent result,

bitter* in my belly-

changing motivations.
Sipping, savoring, becoming.

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* Rev 10:10; Matt 26:41

I was.

Like a rainbow in the desert
Your grace on an unthankful heart.
A promise in an ironic setting:
Skeptic of Your perfect balance;
Your rain of spirit on parched truth
I was.
And cracked ground
That couldn't absorb
Without a long, gentle rain that
Muddied all of my assumptions
With the incomprehensiveness of You.
But now, things can grow
And roots can find a home.

Let Your Word grow down deep
And produce fruit:
A testimony of Your grace.

Romans on Grace

As I am studying Romans chapters 5-8, the first thing I have to admit is that there's so much I don't understand about grace, and have never understood... but it's starting to make sense. These chapters explain how our body is dead through the law, (which was made to combat sin,) and how the law could not bring life, but that Jesus' death provides us with the atonement we need and the grace to have life through Christ. I felt like my spirit was drinking these passages, do you know what I mean?

This verse in particular stood out to me: Romans 8:33-34 "Who shall lay anything to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth. Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us."

Maybe it's my personality filtering what I've always heard, but I've heard so much that sounds more like condemnation from the law than exhortation to live to Christ through His grace. For some reason that really stood out to me. Yes, I have sin and the law requires death for sin, but because of Jesus' atonement I have this option: I, who was dead anyhow, can die totally to my sin, joining Christ in death, and forgo the preoccupation of society with tangible and physical pleasure and instead choose to live by the Spirit as a servant of Jesus (which is what is real anyhow, the physical is a mirage.)

Paul is complicated, and in the past that made it harder to pay attention to all of the details that keep stacking up after commas in his verses, but this time I felt like God opened my understanding to things that, while I have heard, I didn't really GRASP. There's so much about grace that I still don't understand, but a little at a time is still nice progress.

May you sense His grace on you today,

The Comfort Zone Exodus

Every time I read Exodus, I'm shocked by how the children of Israel didn't want to leave Egypt. This is exhibited in their attitudes the whole way to the promised land. It makes sense as a type, because many people do not want to leave sin because of its momentary pleasure that is even biblically supported, but I'm always surprised that they felt that way in the literal sense.

Then I think of how Egypt was all that they had ever known. The ancient people of their history who had come there were only stories. What did they have to look forward to? What proof did they have that it existed? Remembering these things, it's not so surprising that they wanted to stay. Human nature bows to the law of inertia. Even when an environment is unpleasant, it can be preferred to the less threatening psychological fear of the unknown. Fighting for a cause that demands physical and psychological sacrifice requires one to be completely committed.The children of Israel weren't. By the same thought, many times, neither am I. If something gets uncomfortable or pushes me to do something involving an emotional or spiritual risk, pride and fear combine to make a very strong noose for the challenge.

The over simplified answer of "why would the children of Israel NOT want to leave a physically, emotionally and spiritually abusive environment" becomes a lot scarier and closer to home when looked at in depth. What am I attached to in my environment that I wouldn't want to give up for God to the point that it could be spiritually crippling? Am I ready to do anything more, or am I still so spiritually immature that any thought of change makes me cling to my spiritual comfort blanket and pacifier? Why would I give up my inferior, but familiar surroundings and attitudes for some nebulous better that requires sacrifice and faith?

We were never called to be complacent place holders. We are needed to make a difference in the world. It is necessary to pray for God to give a desire to move beyond what we're comfortable with, because without commitment we will quickly run back to where we're unchallenged. I will readily admit that I am weak and pitifully human without Him. A prayer for desire is sure to get answered, so one must be ready to cling to Him instead of the brain's channels of habit that we will otherwise quickly divert to. Fear is a great controller and so is pride. But we have a higher calling crafted by one whose very nature is love, and love trumps fear every time. And the adventure is waiting.

Gentleness

Lately I've been drawn to work on the area of gentleness. This verse in particular has been standing out to me:

Ephesians 4:2 "Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near."
It is often easier to be objective with other people's children than with my own, it seems. Gentleness has never been a strength of mine, but Colossians 3:12-14 defines it as a necessary character trait of anyone who would be God's:
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." So if gentleness should be evident to all... that includes my own children.

It's so easy to get caught up in meeting goals I have for myself and for my household and I forget the more important intangible ones I have for our children's development of character- which is largely learned by example. Even good goals like having a clean house, timely supper and schoolwork finished, when made the primary focus of being home with my children instead of the more important role of discipling them to be like Christ through the classroom of life that includes those household chores- things are unbalanced and gentleness is left as I rush to take hold of the habitually comfortable trophy of "finished work" over a teaching moment.

Something I am learning from the Filipino culture at church is their extreme love and gentleness with their children. Sometimes this is taken to the level of not having much expected from them and lax discipline in many areas, (and I realize that balance is needed on both ends of this spectrum!) but I haven't been around this child-friendly of a culture before. It has made me think of my own expectations that I have for my children... and realize that many times I am holding them to the same unfair standards that I have for myself. Perfection isn't possible, especially when you're still learning and there are enough fair expectations that are hard enough to fulfill!. It seems to me that the fruits of the spirit (Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.") are all counter natural reflexes and that Godly balance is key...

God has such a compassionate way of tugging us in the right direction when He has every right to be harsh. I don't understand, but I'm grateful for the way He uses life and people around me to gently teach me when I'm willing to listen.

Lord, help me listen and learn.

carried by grace

Carried by grace
When my legs refuse to stand
 I've never felt so literally before.

It's hard to put
non-physical things
into words.

This I know:
I couldn't!
I broke horribly
and bowed at the throne for mercy

and He washed,
then lifted me.

and still: I can't...
But I go;
He carries me.

Approval.
It's as addictive as any white powder ever was, but with the extra insidiousness of being invisible.

I've seen so many people, I've experienced myself, trying to earn God's approval through people who have twisted His truth. So many times this then quickly turns into looking for new places to gain approval and rejecting the good and the bad lumped together of the purported idea of "god."

We all need approval to some degree. We seem to be wired that way. As a parent, this makes me ask myself these questions:
-Am I raising my children to need my approval or God's approval taught by me?
-Will my children be able to discern between praise for incorrect behavior by peers and Godly approval?
-Am I leading my children to seek God's will first over going with what family or society makes the comfortable choice?

With small children, especially, an intense desire to please this parent who cares for them is inherent. This is natural and good. This has powerful potential to ingrain many good qualities into the character of a child if developed the right way: Helpfulness, compassion, obedience are all qualities that can begin with just a simple desire to please. As with anything powerful, it has the ability to ingrain unbalanced desires into a child. If a child desires to please but can never accomplish enough to gain the approval of a parent, he or she often quickly turns to any other way to gain attention. If positive attention is not possible, negative attention trumps NO attention. So many student's that I taught would need attention from me first thing in the morning, or the whole day would go crazy until they got it. It is astounding the amount of difference a small conversation, a hug or just a high 5 could change the course of a day, and that is only within the limited time of a class room. A parent has exponential influence! So many actions compound and grow and feed off of each other. How do we create balanced, loving environments that lead children to our God and get them to seek His approval over even our own?

I think it begins with a relationship and example of Godly obedience. If a relationship is not developed with a child, then imposing rules will not bring them into obedience unless God touches their hearts. He has given parents the job of making disciples of children, leading children to Him. Our relationships with our children, hopefully, are based on building Godly character, showing love by example and allowing them to see the shaping hand of God in our lives. Eventually, the trust the child places in his or her parents and earning of approval from them has to be transferred to God. This doesn't mean a child doesn't still love, respect and learn from his or her parents, but their approval, the one who leads them into the next part of their lives, is from God.

How do you train a child to obey and then to transfer that obedience to Christ?

I am continually learning how to parent. There are so many answers I don't have, but here is what I believe is important: Parenting transparently, not with the illusion of perfection.
It is only Christ in me that allows me to do good, His life breathing through dead, sinful bones. Often, I don't die to sin and I fight against His spirit and make mistakes as a parent. I then have to ask for forgiveness from my children and take them with me, back to the cross. Leading by example of humility, brokenness and total dependance on God is more likely to create an authentic God-child relationship than any act of being a perfect parent ever could.

My prayer is this: that God will help me to parent in a balanced, Godly way; that I will not make even my own approval of higher importance than the approval of God and that I will be able to humbly lead by example and total dependence on Jesus Christ.

It is becoming clearer to me every day why the bible advocates constant godly dialog between kids and parents. There are so many teaching moments, for me AND them, that need to be shared. I do not easily do dialog, so this is something I am trying to improve. It's hard to not view talking as a chore, but as a necessary form of teaching for life. As a teacher I could separate my life into "teaching" and "home stuff," but with children it is ALL teaching. I get overwhelmed so easily, especially when I feel like I have to multitask. For me, it comes down to this: Mothering is all about pacing yourself and doing one thing well at a time- not getting wrapped up in things more than the family and God you serve.

I continue learning about fear. I feel this is the lesson I have been learning the longest, but which I've only recently been able to apply to life. Leaving the middle east for vacation I realized some things that should be very simple, but that I wasn't realizing:
-You can not run from fear because you carry it inside of you. It isn't dependent upon external factors, but internal ones.
-This makes it simple: Fear doesn't come from God, and if I have it as His child, it is a choice I am making.
-If it is a choice, the fear of the future is inhibiting the enjoyment of the present because I am letting it.
Which made it much clearer to make a different choice. Clearer, but not always easier. Worrying about something isn't going to do anything but make life miserable and inhibit clear thought if something bad does happen. Instead, I could acknowledge that God has a reason for everything, even bad things, and not worry about it but accept that He will help if something does happen.

But the last two points are then tied together in this question I have been trying to figure out: How do you raise children to be motivated by love instead of fear? I know there is healthy fear in order to survive and the "fear of God" but those are not what I'm talking about. One can choose to be motivated by love instead of fear, but that doesn't change reflexes. If a child is trained up in fear, how does he depart from that? If fear is the result of not being made perfect in love, how is that process begun, and more importantly, passed on?

I live with a strong suspicion
that everything I do is wrong
but that I can do it wrong
better than anyone else.

I live with the strong suspicion
that I can't interact well with others
because I'm missing some integral link,
but my words can somehow make a difference.

I live with the strong suspicion that
Suspicions are based on
Fear, Lies and Selfishness;
and it's not really about me.

When I choose to replace suspicion with faith
I have instead, assurance:
He will use all things for
my good: His glory.

Psalm 27:8

I have sought your hand, Lord,
for provision and steadying.

I have thrown myself at your feet
for forgiveness and mercy.

I have sought your sword,
pleaded for you to take your vengeance.

I have sought the shadow of your wings,
your cleft in the rock to hide me...

And in so doing I forgot the obvious.

You softly said:
"Seek ye my face."

And my heart swelled with purpose,
I remembered your divine plan for relationship

And I ran to say:
"Thy face, Lord, will I seek."

Balance

Like painting a happy picture
In somber colors

Worship without joy
Giving without heart

The act separated
From it's true spirit

Duty instead of
Love motivation

You divide the thoughts
Intents, internal drive

You establish balance.
Righteousness.

Como la Mosca

Como un niño persiguiendo
a una mosca
es el hombre intentando capturar
el sueño de éste mundo natural.

Como la mosca,
éste sueño se mueve, vuela
y si acaso se captura...
¿qué tendrás de verdad?

Una mosca en toda su gloria.
Bravo.

Psalm of Extravagance

Like rich dessert
After a good meal.
Thou preparest a table for me.

Like a sprinkler turned on
While it's raining.
My cup overflows.

Your blessings towards me
More than sufficiency.
Unnecessarily extravagant.

It is not deserved,
Much given; much to give.
I shall not want.

I will remember
When days are lean.
Life turns full circle.

I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

Lessons

Lessons in community,
The body of Christ

Learning to let love replace fear.

It's focus:
Letting Him work through me,
The pressure all on shoulders
more than big enough to handle it
and not
Struggling to be perfect by myself.

Isolation vs. Community
Fear vs. Love
my weakness vs. His Strength
Conformation vs. Transformation
Physical vs. Eternal-

He trades it through chastening,
Orchestrating life to knead out the
worry,
and the bitterness,
and the anger...

Learning to fight instinct:
The gravity of self
That pulls us from the worship
That our spirit was created for.

It's not expecting to understand
What my mind can not hold, just:

decrease self
so that He can increase.

Word Objectification

If you could see your words
take shape
be molded by tone
and objectified,
what would you see?

Fire, smoke and a list of ingredients;
band aids, seesaws and closed doors
Would be my parents talking.

My brother speaks in masks
and vulgar clown paint
with occasional mossy rocks

My sister in syringes
with blacked out labels,
fences and reflective windows

I've heard spoken
hugs, cacti and
dusty old maps

But Jesus speaks
ointment, bread, a balanced sword
and living water.

I am striving
for less bombs and barbed wire
and more Jesus.

People: elements on the periodic table...
with certain numbers of protons
and neutrons
and electrons.

Sometimes balanced by another.
Sometimes creating violent reactions.

Some are more stable:
rigid solids.
Some more adaptable:
liquids taking the shape of their container.
Some very unstable and hard to contain:
gases.

Lacks and strengths:
our odd numbers of electrons
driving us to combine
with another atom
to create an even number;

Balance.

I'm not perfect... I know this and I'm sure everyone around me knows this, but still something inside of me wants to hide my imperfections. Sometimes I try to let people only see the "sanitized" version of my life: the part I've edited to remove all of my mistakes and to make me look less, well, human? I am a constantly striving creature who needs daily renewal to survive spiritually. Of course I make mistakes! The beautiful part of this is that God is so gracious, He doesn't only help me overcome my mistakes, He USES those same mistakes to make me a better person and to encourage other people. He doesn't call me to "sanitize" my life for others, but to sanctify, set apart, my life through His Word so that He can use that mess as a message.

1 Corinthians 6:11
And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.

The "sanitized" version of my life doesn't allow God's grace in my life to shine through. If His strength is made perfect in weakness, I have to let my weaknesses show sometimes, to be able to show His strength!

The sanitized mindset wants to have a perfect home before inviting people over and then, is stressed to keep it maintained while they are visiting that I don't allow Jesus to use me to love them. The sanctified mindset disregards the pride that motivates my hyper-cleaning and instead focuses on loving the people who are in my home.

The sanitized mindset avoids meeting new people because I'm scared and awkward and don't know what to say. The sanctified version doesn't focus on myself, but on the other person's needs.

The sanitized mindset finds fault in an effort to lift myself above others because of their defects. The sanctified version recognizes the amazing ways grace has transformed my mistakes into my greatest witness for Christ, and my own daily necessity for forgiveness, and extends that same grace and forgiveness to those around me.

I don't want to be my version of "sanitized;" LORD, sanctify me.

There are statements that constantly bombard my thoughts if I let them and move my focus from letting God work through me to bless others, and shift it to myself. Statements like:

"You're never good enough."

"No one wants to be around you."

"You have to earn love."

"You should be what others want you to be."

"What you're doing does not matter."

"You need things to make you happy."

Some of these are true occasionally, but the Word of God challenges each of these thoughts with a higher perspective.

When I think "you are never good enough," it responds: No one is good enough, that's why Christ died and I work best through your weaknesses.

When I think "no one wants to be around you" it responds: It's not about you. If I be lifted up I'll draw all men to me. Lift me up.

When I think "you have to earn love" it responds: Love isn't earned, it's who I AM. Nothing you do can make me love you more. Nothing you do can make me love you less.

When I think "you should be what others want you to be" it responds: Seek first MY kingdom and righteousness and the things that really matter in life will automatically fall into place.

When I think "what you're doing does not matter" it responds: Do everything as unto Me; only what's done for Me will last. Do those things that always matter.

When I think "you need things to make you happy" it responds: Lay up your treasure's in heaven, that's your true destination. Don't get distracted from the eternal reality by the mirage of this world.

Skyscraper, sand dune
heat

Water drops a treasured
beat

Storms over a tin
roof

An extravagant
memory

People come to the Middle East for many different reasons. Many from the Philippines, various African countries and surrounding Islamic countries for the chance to make a decent salary to send home to their families. Sometimes their families come too, but you have to make a certain salary for that to be allowed, so most of the time they don't. Many of these people find work cleaning houses and raising other people's children or driving a taxi or construction work. One result is that anytime we are in public we come in contact with people like this who are homesick and missing their families, especially if they have children they've left behind. These are the people who usually try to talk to our kids or smile at them or want to shake their hands.

I have to admit that I don't always look fondly at my housework or whining kids, but now I see it from a different perspective. It's a blessing to be able to do my own housework for my own family. How can I complain about dirty dishes when they represent abundance? I get to wash my own instead of washing dishes for another person to support my family. It's a blessing to be able to choose to serve the people I love instead of having to serve others out of necessity. Holding my crying kid is a privilege. I know I will love him/her no matter what, who else could do my job like that? I certainly don't want someone else holding my crying child, or want to take care of someone else's kids for pay while missing my own. Their training is my most important work.

To the many people who must leave your families in order to support them, thank you for perspective. May you be reunited quickly.

1:1 In the second year of King Darius, on the first day of the sixth month, the word of the Lord came through the prophet Haggai to Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel, governor of Judah, and to Joshua son of Jozadak,[a] the high priest: 2 This is what the Lord Almighty says: “These people say, ‘The time has not yet come to rebuild the Lord’s house. ’” 3 Then the word of the Lord came through the prophet Haggai: 4 “Is it a time for you yourselves to be living in your paneled houses, while this house remains a ruin? " 5 Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: “Give careful thought to your ways. 6 You have planted much, but harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it.” Haggai 1:1-6

Haggai is obviously a message to a nation with their priorities out of whack. Unfortunately, this too easily applies to our world and personal lives today. It's so easy to put things, even GOOD things, before our relationship with God and taking time to listen for His will in our lives. How often have we struggled to figure out why ends that should be meeting are just not quite working they way they should? How often are we frustrated by plans that should be foolproof- but yet we were foolish enough to make them without confirming with the One who holds tomorrow?

6 “This is what the Lord Almighty says: ‘In a little while I will once more shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land. 7 I will shake all nations, and what is desired by all nations will come, and I will fill this house with glory, ’ says the Lord Almighty. 8 ‘The silver is mine and the gold is mine,’ declares the Lord Almighty. 9 ‘The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,’ says the Lord Almighty. ‘And in this place I will grant peace, ’ declares the Lord Almighty.”

God, the God of the Universe, this great big entity that we can't understand or squeeze into our minds, has a will that is underlying every movement of the earth. He is portrayed so often as a distant, ancient ruler who doesn't really get involved or impose His will because He provides grace so that He doesn't have to deal with our dirtiness. This chapter paints a very strong, very involved, completely in control, personal God whose spoken word is the same reality as it was in creation. His will is accomplished and He leaves us with a choice: We can either step up and be a part of that will in a good way, or ignorantly be used as a tool (even the wicked are used as His tools); either way, His plan is going to happen. It's like He's saying: "If you could just see the bigger picture that I have planned, your routines and life that you get stuck in would be the last thing you desired and getting closer to Me would be your priority." This chapter emphasizes that when we honor God, everything else falls in line like it should.

If our priorities aren't straight, everything else is messed up by default:

2:11 “This is what the Lord Almighty says: ‘Ask the priests what the law says: 12 If someone carries consecrated meat in the fold of their garment, and that fold touches some bread or stew, some wine, olive oil or other food, does it become consecrated? ’”

The priests answered, “No.”

13 Then Haggai said, “If a person defiled by contact with a dead body touches one of these things, does it become defiled?”

“Yes,” the priests replied, “it becomes defiled. ”

14 Then Haggai said, “‘So it is with this people and this nation in my sight,’ declares the Lord. ‘Whatever they do and whatever they offer there is defiled.

It's important that his examples taken from the law show that it is easier to contaminate things than it is to make them holy. By offering sacrifices in an attitude of compensation for not making the temple of God their priority, while the sacrifices were not unclean themselves, their attitude stunk and canceled them out. It reminds me of 1 Samuel 15:22
"And Samuel said, Hath the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams." This concept is also echoed in the first chapter of Isaiah.

This theme is repeated so often in the Bible because we easily get our priorities misaligned. If we can put Him first, though, like the children of Israel in Haggai's time, we will see God's blessing in every area of our lives.

2:19 Is there yet any seed left in the barn? Until now, the vine and the fig tree, the pomegranate and the olive tree have not borne fruit.

“‘From this day on I will bless you.’”

Still, there's something more important. Besides doing something to avoid hell, besides doing something for a blessing, Jesus' example took it to a more personal level. He made the will of God his nourishment.

John 4:31-38
In the mean while his disciples prayed him, saying, Master, eat. 32 But he said unto them, I have meat to eat that ye know not of. 33 Therefore said the disciples one to another, Hath any man brought him ought to eat? 34 Jesus saith unto them, My meat is to do the will of him that sent me, and to finish his work. 35 Say not ye, There are yet four months, and then cometh harvest? behold, I say unto you, Lift up your eyes, and look on the fields; for they are white already to harvest. 36 And he that reapeth receiveth wages, and gathereth fruit unto life eternal: that both he that soweth and he that reapeth may rejoice together. 37 And herein is that saying true, One soweth, and another reapeth. 38 I sent you to reap that whereon ye bestowed no labour: other men laboured, and ye are entered into their labours.

The will of God was Jesus' very sustenance... and He explains what that will is: reconciling the world to God.

In my small, carnal mind- being so in tune with God's will is hard to fathom. It comes down to trusting that God's will is best and really believing it. When our heart is right, our actions will follow. When our heart is not right, right actions do not make up for it, as the people found with their sacrifices in Haggai. Funny how we can know things in our head, but still don't get them into our heart so that they can impact our actions.

This is the prayer that is echoing in my heart: Psalm 86:11 "Teach me your way O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name."

Biblical concepts that go against instinct can not be seamlessly adopted into one's life. It takes struggle and lots of study and digesting the Bible to really get it INTO our hearts and then used as reflexive actions. I find it humbling that as I've been studying God's attitude towards our violence/non-violence that He has kept opening new scripture to me. I am convinced of only one thing: I do not know everything and can only learn by God giving me wisdom. Lately I've been lead to read the Psalms, particularly Psalms 4 and 17. Psalms 17 surprised me.

"8 Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings, 9 From the wicked that oppress me, from my deadly enemies, who compass me about."

We know by reading the story of David, the psalmist, that he defended himself by running away. He felt conviction just cutting the hem of Saul's cloak! Saul being anointed or not, this was a non-violent approach. I don't know that everything he did applies to the New Testament, but the Psalms seem to transcend Levitical barriers and in Psalms 17 the psalmist is putting his defense in God's hands.

If faced with an attacker, I would try to get out of the situation... but we have to accept that sometimes we can't run. However, we have to strive to be so in tune with the spirit of God that we can look beyond another's aggression and see their soul. We are not our own. We don't play by the rule's of this world and of our instinct.
I've heard many stories of people in this sort of situation and the common theme is that if they truly believed that God would take care of them and they were willing to be harmed to help someone else, in each case God stepped in and took their side in one way or another. Sometimes this meant saving them from harm. Sometimes it meant them being harmed but bringing God great glory in the process. We have to die to the flesh every day so that we are prepared for any more literal moment. Stephen had this in-tune kind of spirit. He was asking God to forgive the people who were stoning him to death. How can we cultivate this spirit of peace and submission to God, even in the middle of horror? I'm convinced it starts with daily dying and bringing our flesh habitually into submission to God.

We crave for suffering to make sense and have a higher purpose. When we can't see that purpose, then sometimes we reject that it should happen at all. We're looking towards a place where justice is real and that things DO make sense, but we're not there yet. I don't know where to discriminate between persecution for following Jesus and criminal activity. Isn't any evil inherently going against God and those who belong to Him? We know that bad things happen to good people and we know that we can only control our own actions and reactions to those bad things. We know that we will be judged by our works, and we know that overcoming our carnal nature is worth it in the end. There is so much transformation that has to take place between where we begin naturally and that creature that is admitted into the presence of God. (Yes, He gives us grace, and I'm thankful for that. He also calls us to actively pursue His higher standard.)

The psalm goes on to say:

10 They are inclosed in their own fat: with their mouth they speak proudly. 11 They have now compassed us in our steps: they have set their eyes bowing down to the earth; 12 Like as a lion that is greedy of his prey, and as it were a young lion lurking in secret places. 13 Arise, O Lord, disappoint him, cast him down: deliver my soul from the wicked, which is thy sword: 14 From men which are thy hand, O Lord, from men of the world, which have their portion in this life, and whose belly thou fillest with thy hid treasure: they are full of children, and leave the rest of their substance to their babes.

This part especially stands out to me. It's interesting that God uses the wicked as a tool, not only against other wicked people, but also to shape His children to be more like Him. This reemphasizes the need to let ourselves be molded by God's use of wicked people in our lives. How painful. This goes against every fiber of our being.

For me it all boils down to the last verse. 15 "As for me, I will behold thy face in righteousness: I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with thy likeness." It's all about motivation- a deep desire to be in His likeness, though that means willing to accept pain.

My children are not my ultimate treasure.

Let me explain why, though this sounds unfeeling, this is such a freeing statement.

This post is what I wrote a few days ago that has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind since then.

While I realized in my head that my children were really God's and that He would complete what He started... I hadn't really let them go. Their successful spiritual conclusion, though I didn't realize it, was still my goal.

That is something I can't control.

Matthew 6:21 says "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.." The Bible says that children are a heritage, a blessing, a responsibility and a reward- but they're not our ultimate goal. My children are on earth and unless they find God's transforming power, they will not be a part of heaven. This is weighty. While I realize I have a huge responsibility to lead them to God and do everything I can to encourage that transformation, how often have I put the well-being (even their spiritual well-being- controlled by my fear) of my children before my love for God- turning them inadvertently into idols? My main goal, my main desire, has to be first the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 6:31-34 addresses this:

31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Greg Boyd does a good summary of my thoughts on this passage, and on bringing out some very good points I have a bad habit of forgetting:



My treasure is first: God and His will for me. Everything else falls in line behind that.

God first takes the pressure off of me. He loves my children more than I ever could and if He's first in my life, He'll lead me in the way that's best for my children also. I'm a better mother when I put God before my children.

How freeing.

While still in the States, I began feeling a very heavy sense that our coming to the Middle East was going to be for a reason, and not an easy one. The night before our flight here I couldn't sleep and the only thing I could think that would bring peace was "to live is Christ, to die is gain." I felt that I must be prepared to literally die, and not only to the flesh. That feeling has only increased since being here. If nothing else, it has honed my spiritual senses to how important it is to be crucified with Christ.

There have been several prophesies throughout churches (of differing denominations) in the Middle East that agree that the Middle East is on the verge of massive war like it has never seen and church persecution, but that God and His church are going to persevere. I realize that this is not surprising news.

While I have read Revelation, it has always been confusing and way over my head and I've never chosen to read it. However, lately it seems like God has been drawing me to read it and particularly drawing my attention to these verses: "And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death" Rev 12:11

Revelations: 13:10 "He that leadeth into captivity shall go into captivity: he that killeth with the sword must be killed with the sword. Here is the patience and the faith of the saints."


My particular challenge is not to reconcile myself with the thought of death, but rather to release my fear for my children.

I realize that they belong to God first. The story of Moses is much harder to read now that I have children of my own. Like I've said, I can see how his mother probably had doubts. Wouldn't a dead innocent child be better than one who grew up to defy the Holy One of Israel? And in the surroundings Moses was to grow up in, she had no way of knowing how he would choose. (Not that we ever do.)I feel like my children are in a similar environment but there's still only so much they are able to grasp right now.


My prayer right now is that God will/has started a work in their little hearts and that this will continue: "...Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." Phil 1:5-6

Reflexive Instincts vs. Spiritual Maturity

Something that I've struggled with for a long time, and felt convicted about lately, are my reflexive violent responses to what I perceive as aggressors. Reflexive because it's such an ingrained, not even thought about response: you kick and I automatically have a body part responding to block and give it back. Instinctual protection. Spiritually undermining.

These words have been whispering to my heart lately as I've been seeking God about having more of His nature and less of my carnal one:

1 Corinthians 4:12
12 "And labour, working with our own hands: being reviled, we bless; being persecuted, we suffer it:"

He didn't challenge us to do anything that He didn't teach by example:

1 Peter 2:23
23 "Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:"

The only way this is possible is through internal transformation. .

Romans 12:2
2 "And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God."

On my own I am a desperately wicked, terribly selfish, extremely violent and fear-filled human. This is not God's finished plan. He provides grace for my learning, strength and knowledge through His Word for transformation and His example and spirit to guide me. I have this goal:

Galatians 5:22-25
22 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. 24 And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. 25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit."

We live up to our language.
Or down to it.

What starts as a simile,
quickly becomes a metaphor in the mind...
that is then mirrored physically-
becoming reality.

Life and death in the tongue.

If things can be simplified, then:
Thought becomes Word becomes Action;
Reality

I choose to give you
and myself
an enriching language
to live up to.

You are not afraid to be vulnerable
I think that is what I love most.
It's difficult to feel fear
around one with an open heart.

God chooses to use people
to show Himself to the world.
the body of Christ working together, healing itself
so that it can reach out to a hurting world.

You give me courage to connect
to be part of the body as intended
and I love you for the way
that you let God love me through you.

Living in limbo
is a half-packed suitcase
and a never fully-decided
wardrobe.

Living in limbo
is friendship-
not quite followed through
so no one is left in the lurch.

Living in limbo
is seizing the opportunity
of the moment before
both you and it are gone.

Living in limbo
is hovering between
the present and the future:
unable to pause, unable to fast forward.

Living in limbo
is a gift of growing time
before being drawn
into a new routine.

Growing up hearing the words "God loves you" doesn't automatically translate into believing those words. Sometimes those are just words that bounce off of our consciousness and out into the never realized part of our brains... unless really felt and experienced.

Only recently have I, after a long time of not, felt like God loved me. Maybe it's from being separated from my emotions in order to survive from around the time of my miscarriage... maybe it's just that I'm flawed and expect Him to be like me, I don't know. I just know that I was lying in bed praying as I nursed my baby like I do when it's bedtime and for the first time in a long time I felt really loved by God. Does this mean I wasn't before? No. But it's reassuring to feel it sometimes.

Not long after this experience, I got my kids a scripture lullaby CD (volume 1 & 2) because they fall asleep better with music and I prefer the music to be uplifting, since music is easily remembered. As I was listening to the words, this really struck my heart: "You're not here by chance, you are My design, I did well to give you life" It reinforced the feeling of being loved, with something more. Sometimes I think I'm so imperfect that, yes, He loves, but surely with reservations and certainly He couldn't love me with pride! But He does. And it's humbling. And He wants us to love each other the same way He loves us... which, once experienced, makes you understand why.

Here is the scripture lullaby with it's references:

Psalm 139:14
"...I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, Andy my soul knows it very well." NASB

Psalm 23:6
"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever." NKJV

Genesis 1:27

"So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them." NKJV

God's song to you, His child, His creation...

"Looking out into the night sky
A million stars shining down and
I can see how you'd feel so small
Don't forget I'm your Creator
You are Mine and I adore you
Nothing else moves my heart like you
You're not here by chance, you are My design
I did well to give you life

You are fearfully and wonderfully made
Long before you drew your first breath
I knew your name
Surely goodness and mercy
Will follow you forever
For you are fearfully and wonderfully made

Looking deep into your eyes
you're beautiful, like no one else
I smile when I think about your face
you were made in My own image
Carefully, My love would finish
Forming you into who you are
I won't let you go, I'm here with you always
I'll watch you grow strong because I know

You are fearfully and wonderfully made
Long before you drew your first breath
I knew your name
Surely goodness and mercy
Will follow you forever
For you are fearfully and wonderfully made"

There's so much in your
conversation
that isn't words.

How do I respond
to the hurt in your eyes
when your words say
"I'm fine"?

The nano-seconds
of flickering emotions
in your face
tell me you don't agree
with yourself.

Your physical self
is trying so hard
to contain the emotional.

I wish you were confident enough
to tell me with words
what you really want to say.

Exodus 2:9 And Pharaoh's daughter said unto her, Take this child away, and nurse it for me, and I will give thee thy wages. And the women took the child, and nursed it. (10) And the child grew, and she brought him unto Pharaoh's daughter, and he became her son. And she called his name Moses: and she said, Because I drew him out of the water.

This story is much harder to read now that I have children of my own. Now I can feel the mother's anguish and desperation as she searched for any solution for the survival of her child. I can feel her joy as God miraculously made a way. Then I can see how she probably had doubts. Wouldn't a dead innocent child be better than one who grew up to defy the Holy One of Israel? And in the surroundings Moses was to grow up in, she had no way of knowing how he would choose. (Not that we ever do.) I can see how each moment of physical nurture, also became one of spiritual nurture. I can see her trying to ingrain the Torah into her child and whispering "Hear, Oh Israel, the Lord our God is one Lord" to him while he slept.

Since it was common to nurse children into the 4th year and sometimes up to the 6th, this makes this story come to life even more for me as I watch my own 4 year old. I see, now, how critical those years are for spiritual development. I see her sincere hunger for God and immeasurable faith. She teaches me about God every day. I pray that I am also teaching her the right things about Him.

Proverbs 12:22-23 "Lying lips are abomination to the LORD: but they that deal truly are his delight. A prudent man concealeth knowledge: but the heart of fools proclaimeth foolishness."

I was born with a strong desire to please people. Self-sacrifice was many times worth it if I could get affirmation. This generally meant my parent's and teachers... thankfully I was sheltered and this trait was not exploited. As I grew, this sometimes meant that in order to please someone, the story I told them would be "tailored" to them. In the beginning stages of maturity, I didn't have the discernment to know how that could easily lead to lying. Eventually, I saw what I was doing as wrong and developed a strong desire for the truth in every area of my life, even when it was painful.

First, that meant that I just didn't talk in public as much. There are too many nuances and social expectations that multiply exponentially with each added person that challenge a dedication to truth if you have not developed that trait in the public arena. It's one thing to be brutally honest with yourself, but to keep that distinction in casual conversation is often easily construed to make you appear as if you think you are better than others, or cold and unfeeling... sometimes it's just better to keep quiet when you're trying to learn to speak only in truth.

Eventually, this meant that I became a better listener. I learned to more accurately see what someone was feeling and trying to say that their words weren't conveying. I realized that people have so much built up inside of them from trying to verbally prance through the social arena where frank speaking isn't exactly encouraged, and everyone seems to just be speaking at each other with few listening, that someone who would just listen to them would eventually let them get past the fluff and tell you what they really felt. This heightened my desire to say what was true to me and to speak what I knew with conviction.

I'm still an evolving truth speaker. I constantly come away from conversations with a pricked conscience and find myself repenting, yet again, for careless words. But I'm learning, and figuring out that the next step for me is not only speaking truth, but love. Looking at others through the black and white lens of only truth is disheartening and easily becomes judgmental.

Ephesians 4:14-16

"That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive; But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: From whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love."

When I let love be the motivation behind the truth I am saying, it is a healing experience-sometimes for both of us. There will always be human error in every human gathering. My natural tendency is to isolate myself from people to minimize the room for error... and while I will never be the extrovert and will always need time for myself, I need people and God provides His grace for this. A verse that I have been clinging to that addresses this is 1 John 1:7.

"If we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship one with another and the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses every sin."

Birth can be healing. I've read that at birth, not only is the child born, but at that moment the mother is also is born- she didn't exist before that moment in that capacity. It's true for me, but to a different layer. The first time I experienced birth, it was with major bonding issues, which produced guilt and other complications. The second experience has been completely opposite. Each step has helped me realize what should be- should have been. While I still struggle with guilt for not being as good with my first baby as I can be with the second one, I realize that I honestly did the best I could. More than that, I'm learning to forgive myself. I'm learning how love multiplies instead of divides with a second child. Oddly enough, it's like each good thing that I unlock with my second child, I also learn how to apply it to my first. The strong bond I've formed with my new baby has only shown how much stronger I can love my first- and strengthened that relationship. However, I realize how symbiotic this relationship is: without the struggle and pain of learning through much trial and error with the first, much of the sweetness I'm experiencing now with the second wouldn't be happening- both experiences are enriching the other.

The great fear I had of repeating my first experience has been replaced with more gratefulness than I can explain. I realize how blessed I am- I KNOW what could be, and isn't. It strengthens my desire to help other new mothers struggling with their firsts. If I can ever use my pain to bless someone else in helping them avoid it, it helps my struggles seem less meaningless and they become redeeming.

To all of the mothers who helped me through that time, bless you. I'll never forget it.

He was a small guy, compared to the rest of us 5th graders. I remember him looking as if he would physically fit in with the 3rd or 4th grade. His skin was shiny from a day of school and waiting out in the sun for the bus. The mischievousness that kept him in trouble wasn't apparent at that moment. The curving hill that sloped down around the bus stop was teeming with different sections of elementary school kids, each in their own group. This arena-like setting amplified his seriousness. He wasn't often still, even now he was pacing around watching the other kids. Finally, standing with feet planted, facing the multitude, he took in a deep breath and yelled what was on his mind:

"THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS!"

The 5th grade teachers looked puzzled and amused. We were studying this in our literature unit, but it had never provoked this response.

"THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS!" he yelled.

"THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS!" As if it were his last chance to warn his own people.

It was the first time I saw literature deeply impact someone.

Regret's a funny thing. You can learn from it or let it drag you down.

Joining choir in 8th grade was a life-changing experience. I had spent the previous 2 years learning saxophone in band with a teacher who was verbally... um, strong. I don't learn best in that sort of environment, though I feel weak for admitting it.

Our choir teacher was a larger-than-life person with a way of building people up where they could do things they thought were impossible. Like singing in front of an entire class of peers alone. Or in front of a large audience. Or in front of a judge. The first time I was called in for my turn to sing in front of a judge, my face turned a funny shade of whitish gray and I felt incredibly sick... but it got better each time. Choir helped teach me to stand by myself and be an individual, while at the same time being part of a community and working together to create a desired outcome.

It helped me earn a scholarship to college. There, though, I had to, once again, audition in front of the teacher to figure out my placement in the choir and whether I would be in the special ensemble. I tried out for both, because, I was already there, why not? But insecurity leaped in. After all of the preparation through middle school and high school choir, it still got me down... and I convinced myself that was too scared to give it my best shot. My voice was shaky and when I needed to repeat back a tonal example, I gave up and said I couldn't and left.

Thankfully, I still had the scholarship and a place in the choir, just not the ensemble. That memory, though, sticks with me. I COULD have sung the tryout. I know that now. I can see now what a lie insecurity is. How ironically founded it is in pride. How failure is not a life-time sentence, just a learning experience in our journey towards God. I can see how fear of failure inhibits growth.

Where do we learn to give up? Where do we learn to judge ourselves as harshly as we imagine the world judges us? Where do we learn that it's better to think we can't do something than to try it and fail?

More importantly for me now, how do I teach my children that they CAN do things? How do I teach them that failure is healthy and sometimes even a necessary step towards success?

I don't know. But I'm not giving up on teaching them.

¿Cómo es posible
dar la luz,
si no tengas
luz
que dar?

En busca de la luz
soy.

Sé que hay luz
que existe
fuera de mi vista

¿Cómo la doy?

Quizás:

-no importa si la veo yo,
-con inocencia
pueden alcanzarla
los que vienen de mi.

baby kicks
remind of the future
in the middle of today;

a squirming mass of
will be
pokes its foot in my side.

perhaps that's why I move
a bit slower

I'm living in two moments:
right now and
then.

Somedays I feel like
my routine
went on a blind date
with a guillotine.

Do you know how hard it can be to find a long, modest skirt? If you want to add cute to the list of adjectives, it gets exponentially more difficult. NewCreation Apparel has many of these elusive skirts! Even better, they have them in maternity styles!
The only thing that would make this better is if they were giving a skirt away.
Oh, wait. They are! Here... go check it out.
Giveaway ends Friday, September 16.

The process of birth
the stages
the effects
leave marks on the body.

But I'm finding
they are imprinted
just as strongly
on my mind.

I have stretch marks
from memories...
growing pains,
mental labor.

Sometimes it is more painful,
more fearful
than the physical.
It can cycle over, and over.

There are so many emotional ties.
So many things to forgive
of myself.
So many blessings to relive.

How does one mentally
prepare for birth?

I've heard that women have the
sensitive spirit of horses:

That we do not trust easily.

That we survive under heavy saddles,
bridles, reigns;
That we thrive on freedom.

That it is better to let us approach cautiously
and learn to love you,
than to force a bond prematurely.

That we have beauty
masking strength.

Why is death less terrifying
than birth?

I hate the thought of laziness.

Death is free falling, uncontrollable, gone.
Birth is wracking, pushing, consistency.

Is it psychological?
It must be.
Death is only ceasing to be,
but birth is bringing about
a whole new being.

If stated in those terms,
I will not,
can not afford to
be beaten by fear.

And I'm certainly not lazy.

Similes that made me smile: More 5th grade poetry...

Looking at the window on a Sunday night
Stars are shining like neon lights
Then all of a sudden to my delight
My eye caught something like lightning bright
It was the fireworks from a nearby site
To please the crowd on that Sunday night.

Geo I.



Roses are red
The lions are yellow
The world is colorful
but my heart is as dark
as a closed room at night.

Omri U.



My big, purple book is as fat
as a gray elephant.
It could eat as much as a lion
if it were alive.
I can use it like a barrier
it is so big.
An elephant may come and say-
"A purple elephant!"
If he sees my big purple book.

Sabrina T.



The night is like a jewel today
but we don´t know how tomorrow will be.
Let´s hope tomorrow will be the same,
as like this night´s jewel.

Laura G.



Winter is as cold as Antarctic.
Summer is as hot as the sun.
Fall is as brown as the leaves.
Spring is as pleasant as
a garden full of flowers.

Santiago S.

Who learns more?
The teacher or the taught.

Part of what is to be learned
is how to learn.
The process,
not the result.

If a teacher is not learning,
is not willing to be taught:
The class room becomes
a stifled mirror of that attitude.

But,

If the teacher is the most avid pupil,
learning as natural as breathing:
Then teaching is more than a subject.
It becomes a life long process:

Of soaking in information, finding meaning
and enriching life.

We were studying metaphors this week and I had the students think up 5 metaphors and write a short freestyle poem with one of them. These two I really liked, for different reasons:

The roses flew
with the wind in the field
and I was thrown to the ground.
Then a rose asked me
"What happened friend?"
And I responded
"My heart got broken
and my spirit flew up."
Omri U.

I love the expression. There are still a few things to smooth out, but for a trilingual 5th grader still figuring out some of the language kinks, I was impressed.

Friends are few.
Enemies are a lot...
but I still believe in friendship.
Some are gold,
others are trash
Don´t choose them in a rush.
Santiago S.

Sage advice from such a young guy. I hope he can believe in friendship his whole life through!

With a seed,

strength grows

a little at a time

and becomes the majestic Ceiba.

Love and duty.
Duty and love.
Sometimes they are very much the same.

Love is consistently performing your duty.
Duty is consistently displaying your love.

I love you
because I should
because I want to
because they are the same?

I serve you
because I should
because I want to
because I love.

I do my duty because I love.
This is balanced.

I love because it is my duty.
This is weighted.

If duty motivates me
I find myself empty and burned out.

If love motivates me
I find myself with joy flowing out.

Duty and love.
Love and duty.
While they may dance together,
one must overcome.

I´ve been thinking a lot about faith lately, trying to break down this nebulous and stretched out word into what I think it really is; which, is a fallable process in and of itself. If I had to put it into non-church-speak language, I would call it "optimism without a necessary catalyst." Or, perhaps, "belief in the positive final results."

However one is going to have faith, it must be towards some goal or purpose. There has to be something to hope for. Living in Guatemala has emphasized differences between socially reasonable things to hope for in comparison to the United States norms that exist. People here do not have many of the things viewed as necessary to survive in the States. Stoves, washing machines, air conditioners, hot water heaters, dryers, health insurance, health itself, and a variety of foods are all considered luxuries when compared to the simple fight for survival the majority of Guatemalans are faced with. When I think of people who think they are going through a major trial when their hot water heater goes out, it makes me wonder what we use our faith for. Do we think that problems won´t come if we have faith? I have been guilty of having the frame of thought that just because I have faith I shouldn´t go through problems. I knew realistically that it was not true, but that´s what many of my assumptions were based on. This emphasis, then, was on how faith can not be based on physical comfort, but on something that will not fluctuate with situations, something concrete and eternal. Sort of the "substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" Hebrews 11:1.

Perhaps this is a beginning step for all believers along the faith journey: maturing to the point that faith is something that exists independant from one´s circumstances. Really, when I break it all down, what I ultimately have faith for is that in the end, justice will be served. I have faith that we live in a world of consequences, though some are delayed. I have faith that one day all things will be leveled. That good and evil will both receive their just rewards. Hebrews 11:6 says "But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him." And, when it comes down to it, that is what I have faith for. I know that God is. I know He will reward all things eventually.

This as a framework for my life produces different motivations than a passive approach to faith where it is used as a cushy shield around my life to ward of problems. We know problems will come. This is definite and backed up by scripture. We also know that they will shape us, and that "all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28. Though that good might not be seen now, though injustice and unbalanced corrupt things thrive now, I have faith that justice is coming.

Spot The Snowflakes Christmas Card

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What have you done in 2010?
2010 has been very full of progress for me. I met many goals I thought were impossible, but worth setting. I have overcome a few fears... and uncovered a lot more things that need work that I didn't know about. One of the things Talia has helped me learn is how to appreciate the small moments in life, something I'm sure most moms could say about their children. In these photos she was literally telling me to stop and smell the roses and to "take Talia's picture with the flower!"
Something I need to work on is better documenting the little moments that I am going to miss one day. For this reason I had pretty much just these two photos available to use for our end of 2010 cards.
I ended up going with this card. I like how the rose is just ALMOST in the same position on the bottom and the top... it's as if it were cut in two for the different pictures.
May the last of 2010 have challenges you can conquer and your eyes opened to what still needs to change.

Filled with
thanksgiving,
blessings surround me.

Your
faithfulness
does not wane.

Body and soul are connected,
though longingly,
the soul anticipates.

Ever learning, inching upwards
let me come to
full knowledge...

not just rotate through
the cycle of my
opposing desires.

True thankfulness
always motivates
action.

Love fills up,
spills out and must be
demonstrated.

I am thankful.
How can I help fill
this world with thanks?

Spiraling shapes fill Guatemala:
swirls and twirls
and twisted textures...

uncurling ferns
and the bougainvillea slipping over the
twisted barbed wire.

Paths wind down the mountain,
scrolled iron work emphasizes the windows, doors
fountains with water curving down in arcs...

Textiles mimic
natures unrolling progressions
and the sleepy *caracól.

Spirals incite patience,
take a little longer to transverse
and aren't readily noticed until

seen from up high:
An intricate pattern with centrifugal purpose
moving us slowly toward the center of things.

What's in the center of your spiral?




*snail

This weekend was one for a lot of reflecting. I thought a lot about deserts. And philosophers. And the combination. Why is it common for wise men to take time to pray and fast and just be by themselves in the desert?

The discipline-control-freak in me wanted to take off for the nearest desert and figure it out. But that led to another question. Why are there so few mothers who are recognized philosophers? Have you ever heard of a mother wandering off in the desert to find herself and being in any way lauded? They are usually considered nuts who abandoned their children for selfish reasons. Maybe that is true.

As a mother I can't run away and figure out the important questions in my brain. I have to figure it out as I'm running. Sometimes, however, motherhood reminds me of a desert. There's the scorching of my selfish desires as I work towards a purer, more altruistic vision; there's the searing heat of soul-searching in order to make sure that what I am doing out of freedom won't result in bondage for my child down the road; the thirst is palpable... thirst for knowledge, thirst for guidance, thirst for the best way to do everything because each small detail can make a big impact. Sometimes desert snakes startle me. Sometimes dust storms blind me. Sometimes I feel like it will be a 40 year journey and I will murmur and complain and never figure out how to mature, like many of the children of Israel. But, every once in a while, I find an oasis and see a leaner, more self-disciplined, reflection of a person with Living-Water-tuned-senses that is slowly shaping.

If motherhood can be like a desert, surely righteous children are as worth it as a Promised Land.

Luciérnagas son
brillantes en la noche.
Esperanza dan.

When depression,
black ghoul,
rears its head
at my soul

On the wings of
The Word
would I fly.

When the dank
tendrils creep
'round the soles
of faith's feet

'Neath the shadow've
His wings
rejoice I.

When my will
is so weak
that I fall
at His feet

In the cleft of
The Rock
let me hide.

When out breaks,
the sun
forcing the dark
to run

It is well,
I will say,
at thy side.

The mountain trembles
from its basin-planted feet
up to its peaks.

The sky sporadically
explodes
in multi-colored glee.

I am grateful
for the chill
and the excitement...

Glad to be experiencing
the bombs of festivity,
not war.

If you and I disagree enough
we might come full circle
and misunderstand
our mis-
under-
standing

this unreliable constant.

A centrifugal emotional whirl
of mental surety
and emotional instability

and other languages.

We communicate around
and at
each other
but rarely with.

Maybe next time
I'll just hold your hand.

Textiles in every
visible color
and patterns
-structured chaos
into useful beauty;
These things are inspiring.

Continued steps
with long-expired desire
and soles
and still finding room
in your tired self to smile;
This is strength.

Human relationships
treasured, grasped
though unaffordable
with trust's
bounced check;
Relational endurance.

Heritage-focused
unfashionable pride
finding beauty
in ancient and
unique;
Self-security.

Third world:
in money
First class:
in riches
mixed with good and ugly;
Guatemala, abiding.

How glorious was the morning
in your eyes
unburdened by the weight of reality.

The adventure was brimming,
overflowing your cup
of Satisfaction.

How noble the noontime
acceptance of responsibility.

Your shoulders broader
and yet the still managed
to be full of new things.

I don't understand you,
in this tandem swirl-
always at the other end of extreme.

How is the evening?

My country 'tis of thee
a land in
death convulsing
of thee I weep.

Land of great moral strife
debt-choked
lie-hypnotized
for thee I weep.

To relinquish heart's hold
on thee,
Prepare for my new Country
I am so weak.

Thy transformation
I prefer-
hope has yet
to cease.

weather lies

When the lies of men
gather in
like hurricanes in September...
and truth goes marching on
by

When probabilities
are said as certainties,
storm-sheltered
you remember "blue
skies"

When life and chance
and circumstance
mix rain with
no umbrella
-sigh-

Will you waterproof your heart,
put up your guard
or
live with heart still open,
alight?

Que no me traicione la luna
tan fuerte, brillante y tramposa.
Se esconde las veces que más la necesito.

El camino de la vida
lleva mucho polvo de los sueños rotos.
Polvo que sube al aire después de que camino
en las piedrecitas que perduran
de las esperanzas.

En aquellos momentos,
dentro de una nube de ese polvo,
y con pies en el lodo de lagrimas
necesito más la luna
-aquello celestial-
para recordarme
que existe algo más que yo
y cosas rotas...

existe luz, sencillez y
mundos fuera de mi alcance.

Entonces, paro por un momento.
Dejo que la nube, otra vez
descanse...

y veo, con paciencia, al cielo
con ojos fieles y fijos

Poco a poco,
la calma, la luz
me asegura otra vez que

con algo celestial, fijo,
que queda sin cambiar
por el humor de los hombres
que el polvo no importa

porque veo como brilla

la luna

la cual es hecha
de polvo también.

Your expectations are weighing me
down.
You don´t know that mine are just as heavy
of myself.

Two burdens, I can´t carry.

You, with your complaints and demands,
will have to go to my Boss.
I carry His first...
and if He places yours on my heart-
with pleasure,
I will carry yours too.

In a contest between
peace
and
quiet

My mind would always choose peace.

But that
external
and
internal conflict

Make my actions say otherwise.

Could you
make my actions say otherwise?

When does an external force
bring about internal change
that in return
is demonstrated?

Where is the line between
purification
and
extermination?

And, who can win?

free falling
freedom to fail-
Baby, I can't have illusions
of keeping you safe.

I only have as much power
as I choose to release
and there's so much more
that I can't control.

safety isn't within my reach...
but training to cope
and thrive
amidst disaster or success equally

that is my desire.

children

The first time
I thought I held it
but it was only a shadow-
It had lines and definition
perfectly human
rational emotion
detailed generalization
and blatant implications.
Her name was Goodbye.

The second, I held.
Our spittin' image,
since we were made from spit
way back when soft sunlight
drove away the cold night,
crumpled it with laughter-
conquered it with peace.

The first days were
overwhelming
but every spell of cold
would force my head up
and I would say
"I can do this" and
It was never as hard
as I'd imagined.

Redefinition comes with
accomplishment;
I am a dreamer
a future liver
but it's not without fear
and it's not without want.

Everyone has a piece in them
that wants to be a king:
Command the cold away.
A piece that's into
poetic license and control...
or poetry's into them.

So we hold the fire,
without it we'll be cold
but holding it burns
and we must decide:
That hurting is worth
the warmth.

motor-squito

Buzzing around me
in a courageous curve,
a motorcyclist
braves
the hungry asphalt
in an attempt
to forget his humanity.

In an almost-flight,
his desire drives him
towards the glowing
ball of sunset.

Like a moth.

properties of water

If I had a way to tell you where the
living water flows
with fool-proof sincerity
truth; disclosed; unarmed.
though you thirst
would you drink?

Or are you more interested in
the properties of H2O.
When your soul is thirsty
where do you go?
How do you analyze the properties of
theoretical water...
when dehydration makes you weaker.

Your iron-clad grip
on the stem of reality
in a pewter cup
when inverted makes a sand hour glass
the desert
in which you thirst.

If, in my own weak will
I could pour a little
on your tongue,
would you swallow,
taste, and see?
realize?

That once ingested,
it's hard to contain
a belly full of living,
life
when all around is desert!

And you, too, would flow
to water this parched
arid world
with something that has to be
lived. ingested. experienced.
and shared.

galactic tactics
stargazers dream.
surveyors of Orion
(who has tightened his belt
to bring the states closer)

a phone call

a satellite connection...
As a signal bounces
from star
to star
to home.

Equation for Adventure

There's no time
to dabble in materialism,
(and significantly
disproportionate
desire)
when juxtaposed by
an adventure
with common interests.
It's the few
who belong to you
and the necessary.
It's the
carpe diem
of ventures;
the winding dreamroad
that's not crafted by man.
It's getting over
my manic hold on "safe"
and fears' manic hold on me.

It's:

follow
+
accompany
+
forge.

This is an old column I wrote in Junior College that I didn't want to lose, so I'm posting it here. It was a good reminder.

____________________________________________________________________________________


“You can take your time if you want,” he said. I didn’t think I heard him right. “Do what, sir?” I replied, looking at the lines of impatient people behind him and the frantic bustle of fellow employees around me. “I just said you can take your time if you want.”
Shock, no it was a little more than that. It was something that went down deeper.
Dealing with the public is different from other types of work. It’s mentally, emotionally, and relationally draining. Constant interaction with people that need something from you leaves you empty and unable to communicate sometimes, if only as a result of too much communication.
Working in the fast food business also offers prime opportunities to see how busy people are. Few of them have time to wait, and if they do, they are usually hurried even in their waiting; fidgeting and speaking rapidly out of habit. But here he was, calmly watching me do my best to be as efficient as possible to get to the next person in line, and giving me permission to take my time.
So I did. I didn’t drag it out interminably slow, just took care in the little details of his order that can be overlooked all too easily when a rush hits.
I never told him how much that statement meant. I don’t know if he’d even remember it, but I do. I think about it every time I get stressed out- running from one assignment to another trying to get done on my set time. By then I’m tired and have the strain of the day filling my mind to where it’s hard to enjoy what I have actually accomplished. It’s all too easy to continue on the mental running mill I’ve been on the whole day, worrying about the next problem I need to tackle.
It’s hard to make myself slow down and appreciate what I’m actually doing. When my mom asks if I can ‘please do the dishes,’ it’s hard to concentrate on how blessed I am to have them to clean. To have food to clean off of them. To have the ability to wash them. To quit thinking of the million other things I still have to do.
Everyone today seems to be ironically busy and bored at the same time. So many people are running through life doing things they don’t really enjoy, getting stuck in obligations that are a drag to complete. I haven’t met very many who have the gift to enjoy the moment. And I’ve come to the conclusion that it is a gift, but obtainable through choice.
When I take the time to stop and look around at what I’m passing, I find some of the stress of getting to the destination taken away from being able to enjoy getting there. When I think of all of the little things I appreciate about other people, it makes them easier to deal with when the not-so-good things stick out. When I can take the time to tell the people who put up with me day after day how much I appreciate it, it makes everyone easier to get along with. And when I remember to say I love you to the people that need to hear it, it reminds me of reality. Because in reality, we don’t have much time. We get a few years to enjoy our lives and then they’re over. I don’t want to spend all of mine worrying over things that aren’t relevant. And, I find that I can take the time to enjoy what I’m doing and see the bigger picture in it all when I remind myself that “you can take the time if you want.”

pure

a cardboard box contains my crayons
unflattering. rectangled. abrupt.
unworthy to hold such
-potential
would they not be better free?
displayed in brilliance,
under physically enhancing conditions?

ah. but then they scatter
and the sun melts them
and the elements violate them of their individuality
smudging their labels
and they chip.
little tiny pieces
degenerate. broken. rainbow.
oh, LET US keep it as intended:
a cardboard box contains my crayons!

1/16/03

I appreciate Elona,
who,
like the rainbow
reminds us of God's promises.
Who,
unlike the rainbow,
is instant*
in and out of the
Rainy Seasons
of her life.



*II Titus 4:2