Gaze

Some things 
force one's gaze down
to see even more of ourselves.
Surely that is easier than
seeing the rejection, fear and sadness
in a fellow human's eyes.

Some things
force one's gaze out
Defiance as a fist:
as if the eye could push away;
Grace as a handshake:
accepting that we can't afford,
but offering anyway.

Some things
force one's gaze up:
Worship, need, dependance, questioning:
conversations and mud fights
with God.

Sight begins inside,
accelerating from the x axis in avoidance
perpendicular to the y axis in defiance, acceptance.
You can trace the gaze back to the heart.

The fulcrum of our circumstances
with the counterweight of self, or selflessness,
determines the degree of our gaze.

Steep

Your Word, to me
like a cup of tea

the more I meditate,
and let it steep:

the more potent result,

bitter* in my belly-

changing motivations.
Sipping, savoring, becoming.

------------------------------------------
* Rev 10:10; Matt 26:41

I was.

Like a rainbow in the desert
Your grace on an unthankful heart.
A promise in an ironic setting:
Skeptic of Your perfect balance;
Your rain of spirit on parched truth
I was.
And cracked ground
That couldn't absorb
Without a long, gentle rain that
Muddied all of my assumptions
With the incomprehensiveness of You.
But now, things can grow
And roots can find a home.

Let Your Word grow down deep
And produce fruit:
A testimony of Your grace.

Romans on Grace

As I am studying Romans chapters 5-8, the first thing I have to admit is that there's so much I don't understand about grace, and have never understood... but it's starting to make sense. These chapters explain how our body is dead through the law, (which was made to combat sin,) and how the law could not bring life, but that Jesus' death provides us with the atonement we need and the grace to have life through Christ. I felt like my spirit was drinking these passages, do you know what I mean?

This verse in particular stood out to me: Romans 8:33-34 "Who shall lay anything to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth. Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us."

Maybe it's my personality filtering what I've always heard, but I've heard so much that sounds more like condemnation from the law than exhortation to live to Christ through His grace. For some reason that really stood out to me. Yes, I have sin and the law requires death for sin, but because of Jesus' atonement I have this option: I, who was dead anyhow, can die totally to my sin, joining Christ in death, and forgo the preoccupation of society with tangible and physical pleasure and instead choose to live by the Spirit as a servant of Jesus (which is what is real anyhow, the physical is a mirage.)

Paul is complicated, and in the past that made it harder to pay attention to all of the details that keep stacking up after commas in his verses, but this time I felt like God opened my understanding to things that, while I have heard, I didn't really GRASP. There's so much about grace that I still don't understand, but a little at a time is still nice progress.

May you sense His grace on you today,

The Comfort Zone Exodus

Every time I read Exodus, I'm shocked by how the children of Israel didn't want to leave Egypt. This is exhibited in their attitudes the whole way to the promised land. It makes sense as a type, because many people do not want to leave sin because of its momentary pleasure that is even biblically supported, but I'm always surprised that they felt that way in the literal sense.

Then I think of how Egypt was all that they had ever known. The ancient people of their history who had come there were only stories. What did they have to look forward to? What proof did they have that it existed? Remembering these things, it's not so surprising that they wanted to stay. Human nature bows to the law of inertia. Even when an environment is unpleasant, it can be preferred to the less threatening psychological fear of the unknown. Fighting for a cause that demands physical and psychological sacrifice requires one to be completely committed.The children of Israel weren't. By the same thought, many times, neither am I. If something gets uncomfortable or pushes me to do something involving an emotional or spiritual risk, pride and fear combine to make a very strong noose for the challenge.

The over simplified answer of "why would the children of Israel NOT want to leave a physically, emotionally and spiritually abusive environment" becomes a lot scarier and closer to home when looked at in depth. What am I attached to in my environment that I wouldn't want to give up for God to the point that it could be spiritually crippling? Am I ready to do anything more, or am I still so spiritually immature that any thought of change makes me cling to my spiritual comfort blanket and pacifier? Why would I give up my inferior, but familiar surroundings and attitudes for some nebulous better that requires sacrifice and faith?

We were never called to be complacent place holders. We are needed to make a difference in the world. It is necessary to pray for God to give a desire to move beyond what we're comfortable with, because without commitment we will quickly run back to where we're unchallenged. I will readily admit that I am weak and pitifully human without Him. A prayer for desire is sure to get answered, so one must be ready to cling to Him instead of the brain's channels of habit that we will otherwise quickly divert to. Fear is a great controller and so is pride. But we have a higher calling crafted by one whose very nature is love, and love trumps fear every time. And the adventure is waiting.

Gentleness

Lately I've been drawn to work on the area of gentleness. This verse in particular has been standing out to me:

Ephesians 4:2 "Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near."
It is often easier to be objective with other people's children than with my own, it seems. Gentleness has never been a strength of mine, but Colossians 3:12-14 defines it as a necessary character trait of anyone who would be God's:
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." So if gentleness should be evident to all... that includes my own children.

It's so easy to get caught up in meeting goals I have for myself and for my household and I forget the more important intangible ones I have for our children's development of character- which is largely learned by example. Even good goals like having a clean house, timely supper and schoolwork finished, when made the primary focus of being home with my children instead of the more important role of discipling them to be like Christ through the classroom of life that includes those household chores- things are unbalanced and gentleness is left as I rush to take hold of the habitually comfortable trophy of "finished work" over a teaching moment.

Something I am learning from the Filipino culture at church is their extreme love and gentleness with their children. Sometimes this is taken to the level of not having much expected from them and lax discipline in many areas, (and I realize that balance is needed on both ends of this spectrum!) but I haven't been around this child-friendly of a culture before. It has made me think of my own expectations that I have for my children... and realize that many times I am holding them to the same unfair standards that I have for myself. Perfection isn't possible, especially when you're still learning and there are enough fair expectations that are hard enough to fulfill!. It seems to me that the fruits of the spirit (Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.") are all counter natural reflexes and that Godly balance is key...

God has such a compassionate way of tugging us in the right direction when He has every right to be harsh. I don't understand, but I'm grateful for the way He uses life and people around me to gently teach me when I'm willing to listen.

Lord, help me listen and learn.

carried by grace

Carried by grace
When my legs refuse to stand
 I've never felt so literally before.

It's hard to put
non-physical things
into words.

This I know:
I couldn't!
I broke horribly
and bowed at the throne for mercy

and He washed,
then lifted me.

and still: I can't...
But I go;
He carries me.