Exodus 2:9 And Pharaoh's daughter said unto her, Take this child away, and nurse it for me, and I will give thee thy wages. And the women took the child, and nursed it. (10) And the child grew, and she brought him unto Pharaoh's daughter, and he became her son. And she called his name Moses: and she said, Because I drew him out of the water.

This story is much harder to read now that I have children of my own. Now I can feel the mother's anguish and desperation as she searched for any solution for the survival of her child. I can feel her joy as God miraculously made a way. Then I can see how she probably had doubts. Wouldn't a dead innocent child be better than one who grew up to defy the Holy One of Israel? And in the surroundings Moses was to grow up in, she had no way of knowing how he would choose. (Not that we ever do.) I can see how each moment of physical nurture, also became one of spiritual nurture. I can see her trying to ingrain the Torah into her child and whispering "Hear, Oh Israel, the Lord our God is one Lord" to him while he slept.

Since it was common to nurse children into the 4th year and sometimes up to the 6th, this makes this story come to life even more for me as I watch my own 4 year old. I see, now, how critical those years are for spiritual development. I see her sincere hunger for God and immeasurable faith. She teaches me about God every day. I pray that I am also teaching her the right things about Him.

Birth can be healing. I've read that at birth, not only is the child born, but at that moment the mother is also is born- she didn't exist before that moment in that capacity. It's true for me, but to a different layer. The first time I experienced birth, it was with major bonding issues, which produced guilt and other complications. The second experience has been completely opposite. Each step has helped me realize what should be- should have been. While I still struggle with guilt for not being as good with my first baby as I can be with the second one, I realize that I honestly did the best I could. More than that, I'm learning to forgive myself. I'm learning how love multiplies instead of divides with a second child. Oddly enough, it's like each good thing that I unlock with my second child, I also learn how to apply it to my first. The strong bond I've formed with my new baby has only shown how much stronger I can love my first- and strengthened that relationship. However, I realize how symbiotic this relationship is: without the struggle and pain of learning through much trial and error with the first, much of the sweetness I'm experiencing now with the second wouldn't be happening- both experiences are enriching the other.

The great fear I had of repeating my first experience has been replaced with more gratefulness than I can explain. I realize how blessed I am- I KNOW what could be, and isn't. It strengthens my desire to help other new mothers struggling with their firsts. If I can ever use my pain to bless someone else in helping them avoid it, it helps my struggles seem less meaningless and they become redeeming.

To all of the mothers who helped me through that time, bless you. I'll never forget it.