"...Words like waiting, depending, surrendering, and obeying rankle. We would much rather find ways to control the course of events. Yet the spiritual life is often counterintuitive. When we embrace the way of faith and trust in God, following Him even when the path is unknown, what seems like it should diminish us actually enlarges us. The story about Saul and the woman of Endor reminds us that there's really nothing new about human behavior. Under the skin we all experience the same desires, temptations, and needs. Then, as now, our happiness lies in faith and trust."
-"Women of the Bible" by Ann Spangler and Jean Syswerda
I've come back to read this quote several times, trying to grapple with the need to control vs. the counterintuitive nature of spiritual life. It hit pretty hard in a convicting sort of way, "rankle" was a good describing word they used. There's so much balance that has to be acquired to be the best version of ourselves: Whatever we do, we are accountable for, but we don't always have a choice in doing those things, which then leads us to want to control everything because we know we will be held accountable for them annnnd, the cycle continues. Learning to accept that life just happens and we can only control our responses to it is not easy to move from the mental acknowledgement part of the brain into the reflexive, action part.
How do you balance being cautious with listening to a God who doesn't desire us to be "safe?"
Where do you draw the line between giving yourself boundaries and giving everything away?
Is part of maturing figuring out the gray areas between "take no thought for the 'morrow" and the fool who doesn't consider all of his resources before beginning the tower he can not finish?
What is the difference between getting self out of the way and...
And this does circle back to the question "why are we here?" For anyone who struggles with control and the root of fear of not measuring up behind that, it's a crucial question. How can we best measure up and meet all of the goals we have set for us if we don't know what they are or how to obtain them until the moment?... which puts things like spiritual discernment and sensitivity on a priority level and those are so NOT black and white (which is another thing that would freak out anyone who tries to get it all spelled out.)
This brings me back, though, to the verse that says "the letter killeth but the spirit giveth life" and (as I've been reading the gospels to the kids at bedtime) the harsh words of Jesus to the Scribes and Pharisees about their tithing even the herbs and spices, but omitting the weightier matters of the law like love and mercy. While reading the end of Matthew today, it struck me how twisted and odd it was that the priests who gave Judas the 30 pieces of silver did not care at all about the death of a man they couldn’t prove guilty. I was struck by their complete lack of concern for the distress of Judas and their words: "what's that to us?" Yet, meticulously, they focused on the black and white rules of what that blood money could be used for. They missed the whole point of the law, the fulfillment of it was right there in their moment and they clung to the safe, spelled out, unemotional, facts they could hang onto.
Sometimes I don’t know how to balance the incredible responsibility (some would say burden… but that sounds ungrateful and lazy) and blessing I have in getting to live. Holding life loosely, not counting it really as mine to give and take, but still really living it and, God forbid, not wasting it, and hopefully, actually helping someone else out in the process, all of that gets a little jumbled and I’m not sure I have enough to fill up all of the overlapping priorities. But as tempting as it is to search for ways to control things, bit by bit, it seems that dehumanizes and strips away things like compassion and empathy and leaves only the ability to judgmentally view others through the lenses of our black and white rules and then we miss the whole point of being alive.
I feel like I've thought in spirals, but life feels a bit spirally sometimes. May we really live it, spirals and all.
